Language & Its Influence on Children: Why we should expect more from our leaders

I’ve spent most of my professional life talking with kids.  And if I really drill it down…my job is not about social media so much as it is about how we ACT online. How we use our words.  How we connect and communicate.  Social media has just been the vehicle to transport our thoughts.  Good or bad.  I discuss with students how much words matter, how they can heal, and how they can hurt. But lately, I’ve been thinking less about the words our kids use and more about the ones they hear from us. The adults, the supposed “leaders.”

Because here’s the truth: our children are watching. They’re watching how we speak to one another, especially in moments of disagreement. They’re watching how those in positions of power talk to their opponents, to the media, to women, to anyone who challenges them. And whether we want to admit it or not, they are learning from what they see. Every insult, every name called, every moment of public humiliation isn’t just a sound bite, it’s a lesson to our kids. It says “this behavior is ok.”

I work with kids and families every day. I’ve sat beside children who are sobbing because of the things others have said to them. I’ve seen the fear, the shame, and the confusion. I’ve met parents who have lost their children to suicide after relentless bullying that started, not with physical harm, but with words. And the heartbreaking part? It’s all preventable.

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that verbal aggression carries the same long-term emotional impact as physical bullying. The brain processes social rejection and humiliation in the same regions that register physical pain. So in short words bruise. They just don’t always leave visible marks. When those words come from adults, especially from people in power, the bruises go deeper. They become different.  They leave a mark that not only wounds but also says it is ok to use words that hurt.  That demean.  That belittle.  They don’t just shape how kids see others; they shape how kids begin to see themselves.

We know bullying doesn’t begin in middle school hallways.  It does rear its ugly head there but I believe it begins in living rooms, in bedrooms behind closed doors in front of a screen…sometimes in press rooms and from podiums. It begins when children see adults use power to belittle. Research published in the Journal of Adolescent Health confirms that children exposed to demeaning communication by adults are more likely to mimic that behavior with peers. If it isn’t addressed, it can evolve into adulthood. Thus creating a cycle of verbal aggression that becomes normalized.

When adults use mockery or intimidation, they’re not just expressing anger, they’re modeling what power looks like. Boys begin to associate dominance with manhood. Girls internalize that their voices don’t carry the same worth. And all kids learn that empathy is optional.

That’s not leadership. That’s cowardice.

Insert social media.  Our kids are living in an era where cruelty isn’t just confined to classrooms and hallways. It’s broadcast, shared, and reposted within seconds. Pew Research reports that nearly 60% of teens have experienced online harassment. From my own work in schools, I’d argue that number is even higher. When I ask students what their biggest issue with social media is, they don’t say privacy, predators, or addiction. They say, “Cyberbullying”.  This has been their unwavering answer for 12 straight years. They see bullying from classmates, influencers, and …heartbreakingly…adults. And they see no one stepping in. “Everyone talks like that,” they tell me. “That’s just how people are online.” Let me stay that again…when adults are being exposed to cruel remarks by another adult…our youth see no one stepping in.   What happens when cruelty has become the baseline?  The unchecked behavior also says that if you are in a position of power you can say what you want to say to others.

Why does it matter? Let me be clear. Words can kill. They can be the preceptor to how someone feels and in turn drive harmful behavior.  Victims of online harassment are more than twice as likely to attempt suicide. Language that starts as mockery can end in tragedy. It can fuel hate crimes, normalize violence, and destroy empathy. Every time an adult uses bullying language, online or off, they teach kids that cruelty is entertainment. That humiliation is a punchline. That tearing others down is a form of strength. But real strength? Real leadership? It’s measured in restraint, in compassion, in the ability to disagree without demeaning.

So what do we do with all of this? We start at home. When your teen laughs at something cruel an adult said online or in public, do not let it slide. Ask them why they think it’s funny. Then help them see who it hurts. Talk about how easy it is for cruelty to spread and how much harder it is to stop it. We should also teach them boundaries. Teach them that they do not have to sit in spaces where hate feels normal.  Teach your child that it is ok to walk away from someone being unkind.  Or they can respond with “I am not ok with how you are speaking to me.  That is rude.  Or hurtful.  Or you shouldn’t speak to another person like that.”  They can express that it is NOT ok to bully.  But they can also then remove themselves from the situation in order to protect their feelings.  Teach them that it’s possible to protect their peace without attacking someone else’s.

Here’s what I believe with every fiber of my being:
Our kids deserve better examples. They deserve to see leaders who lift others up instead of tearing them down. They deserve to see that kindness is strength. That respect is power. That real leadership never needs to bully to be heard.

And that starts with us. It starts with the words we choose, the tone we set, and the example we leave behind. Words do not just fill silence.
They build…or destroy…worlds.